BIRTHDAY

Things which happened were all unexpected. My birthday became a BIG SURPRISE for me because I really don't expect it'll be a WONDERFUL, HAPPIEST and UNEXPECTED birthday I ever had. Before my birthday, I really really don't like to celebrate because I was so disappointed with many things which happened during those days but when my SPECIAL DAY is now coming to town, everything changed. I almost wanted not to pass that time because I REALLY LIKE IT or should I say I LOVE IT VERY MUCH!! (ayiiie..=p) I want to stock in the time so that I will cherish every single bit of moment that happens during that time.. woohhh.. love it! I almost cry and I shed tears, tears of overjoy..wahahah =) ... People whom I'm not always with, are the ones who gave me gifts and I was so flattered about that thing. hehehe =) I was so happy that came to the point I laugh and smile without anyone on my front.. (crazy!) I LOVE IT! I was so contented with all the GREETINGS I had, most of all having GIFTS from somebody I really don't expect would give me a gift..I WON'T

i don't LIKE it!!

Why is it I feel that I'm so unfortunate this year?! I HATE IT BADLY!! The more I experience unlucky moments, the more I lose myself and feel down. tsk... I don't know why in the world, I'm so unlucky this year?!?! hay... Because of that, I don't like to celebrate my upcoming birthday. Many people around me are always mentioning that my birthday is soon and whenever I hear it, I feel so sad and empty. I really really don't like to be happy right now or to celebrate something. What a heavy feeling! wooohh... I DON'T LIKE IT!! I'm so disappointed! Why?? .. I wish that there is no JULY 20 in this year. I hope that the time will just pass by and suspend the JULY 20. tsk... rrrggghh.. *mad.mad.mad* What's happening to me?!?! I lost myself right now and I couldn't find it. waaaahhh.. *shout.shout.shout* Whenever I see myself in the mirror, I really hate it! I'm so weak. I'm so depressed and stress with the things that are disheartened. ='( ... Many miserable things happened to me these past days and how would I celebrate my birthday if those things are keeping on interrupting my mind?!?! hay... Actually, I have so many wishes in my birthday. Before I'm always looking forward to it because I think that is my SPECIAL DAY but now, I don't think I can rejoice my birthday. It's different now. Things changed and moments that happened are breaking my heart. I want to cry but my eyes won't secrete any tears. =((( *sad.sad.sad*

so tired, so disappointed, so anxious!!

What a tiring week! so disappointed, so tiring, so anxious! In short IT'S A HELL WEEK!! >_< .. I want a relaxation and unwinding trip for now. wooohhh.. I want to stop for a while with the stuffs I'm doing so that I will have refreshments (with an "S") for myself. I really don't like what happened these past days. wooohhh...I'm so indifferent and exhausted. tsk.. If only I can change everything, I'll definitely change it so that there will be a better result. Or I'm wishing to have a better TIME MANAGEMENT for all my works in order for me to have a greater outcome. Hay.. Anyways, thank God, I finished this week with somehow, a nice ending. I BREATH OUT all ready. ahaha ^_^ HEAVY DUTY is the best and perfect adjective to describe this week. =) Actually, I've all ready experienced that kind of thing, without any rest during my HIGH SCHOOL DAYS especially when there is an examination. But, it's different all ready. Many works, much harder and more time needed to consume. rgghhh...>_< That's why my eye-bags are so noticeable. waaaahhh... *stress.stress.stress* It's very tiring but I HOPE there is a much better exchange for my sacrifices that I did.

I AM

REAL ME? ahmmm...nothing so special about me...I am a person who is tough yet inside, is very weak. I always use to hide my feelings so that others won't see the real emotions I have. Very sarcastic, isn't it?? I'm sarcastic in a way, I would not choose to let others know what I really feel inside but not in a way, I would be a backstabber to them. I can be a good companion to anyone as long as I will be accepted as my real personality is being shown. I'm the most sensitive person you've ever met but actually, it does not really show outside since I keep it inside. I always smile and laugh just like nothing really strikes me badly. I try those things just to hide my emotional condition. It really hurts when I'm wanting something yet I could not do it because something is delaying it. It's not actually a hindrance but I really have to do it because that something is very important among other things to do. I really HATE the feeling of being the LEAST among all. It's just like I was the worst and most stupid among them. I feel my heart beats fast and my whole body is being stiffed as if I was in a comatose stage. It's just like my entire world will destroy after a few seconds of my movements. Tsk...>_< Hay...I become so sad easily and it will last for many days. I don't know why but all I can say is that I really don't like to feel so sad because even my physical appearance doesn't show it, my actions speak for it. I am so pessimistic. I pull myself down and I hate myself for that. I have a connotation that once I did something, it won't succeed, even if I exert lots of effort to it. So stupid, isn't it? wheeeww...=( ... Everything I did was unappreciated. I want to gain all the things I want but it's not the way how it is. When I'm aiming for something, it is never been granted. ='( ... I'm so emotional. Sometimes, I was been carried away because of my emotional condition. I do things which I regret at the end of my anguish. Honestly, I really don't like my personality. I think, I have a disorder and I hate it so badly. I don't know how to change it but I hope it won't get worse because if that thing will happen, I rather to choose to die than be like that.

my PAST

Sad to say but that's the fact, I don't have any reason at all to return back on my past. May be because of noone or it's just nothing so special about it. Most of my pasts are moments of forgettable. I don't like what happened. Honestly, I really did not enjoy and made some fun before unlike these days. I did not have a group to call and happy moments were few. I don't know why but I am so insecure with those people who made fun time together with their friends during their HIGH SCHOOL DAYS. If I would be given a chance to return back during my high school days, I'll definitely grab it. Know why? It's because I want to gather many happy moments together with my classmates so that I will gain their attention and find a group where I belong to. Come to think of it, those times of mine are not so memorable because of my attitudes showed. Those times, I was not yet confident about myself. I was not yet loud and vocal about my feelings. I always tried to hide myself so that I won't be noticed by many. Wait, so now I realize that it was my fault by not having any special moments before...toinkz..hahahaha ^_^ ... Anyways, Is it me or just so many factors that's why I weren't able to be so happy during those times...hay! so sad and insecure...All I can say is that somehow it's good to know that I met people who became part of my past..=)

undesirable moment

I hate it! wooohhh… I’m so angry right now! What a stupid thing happened! Tsk… Why in the world there are so many people who do very bad things and hurt their fellows?!!! I want to kill and torture them! Waaaahhh...Just because of that thing, I cry hardly and you know what, that’s the time I cry again so badly. I don’t know what to do but to cry and cry. Why is that thing happen to me? It's a very very unlucky moment I ever had! It's just like I was been tormented by many and I can't do anything to save myself. That's my first time to have that kind of experience and I was been traumatized because of that. I'm a type of person who likes to be independent most of the time but now, I'm afraid to be because now I know that I can't protect myself. I used to be a person who is strong and I know can manage my own self but because of that thing, I realize I cannot secure my own things when misfortune strikes. I'm not responsible enough and I hate myself for that. I'm so stupid and feeble-minded. It won't happen if I am so careful with my things. I hate myself so much. I'm ashamed of myself and feeling guilty for my parents because they discipline me very much and teach me substantially but I never mind those lessons which they taught to me. If only I can turn back the time, i'll definitely do it so that I will be more careful and disciple about myself but things can't go back. It's all ready a BYGONE and past is past.

What a heavy feeling I have right now. woooohh...It hurts me so much!! I can't accept the fact that I lost something which is very significant and useful to me. Honestly, I can't let go that moment and I won't ever be. If only I have a power to locate that nasty piece of work, i'll kill him! tsk... I really don't like it! I hope it won't happen again because if it will, I take a suicide. (just kidding! hahahaha...)

My happiness

Not only in physical and emotional states but also in spiritual matters, I am happy. Before, I usually say I’m not yet contented and happy with what I have but now, I realize that many things give me so much reason to be happy. Honestly, I’m a type of person who is very materialistic. I want all my favorite possessions be granted. I’m not contented with few things but many. I want to have all the trends in this world. That’s why before my implication about being happy is to have all my desires. Although I keep on aiming to have lots of material things in this world and I am still not contented about those stuffs, I was given so much happiness by my family, friends and GOD who stick to me whatever happens. To know that kind of thing, I become so overwhelm and gratified. Sometimes, I am sad because I can’t have the material things which I am aiming for but come to think of it, even if I get my aspired stuff, I don’t really feel a last long happiness. It’s just like I became happy just for a short period of time and that’s it, after that I will still continue on asking for more material things in this world and I think it won’t be stop unless all the material things in this world will vanish which is very impossible to happen. Isn’t it? Unlike the happiness which was supplied by my loved ones and GOD, it lasts for a very long time and sometimes, it brings me tears of joy because of the happiness which I feel because of them. It’s good to know that I have a source of happiness and I feel so lucky to have them.

IMPATIENT, LIVID and TOO EMOTIONAL

Do you ever feel too much emotion that came to the point you can never express your anger because SOMETHING hinders it?! *sigh* rrrgggh… The thing that I hate the most is keeping my anger inside and could not been showed to everyone. I hate it so much!!! It kills me badly!! If killing is not a sin, then I will do it! Promise! I become so LIVID and FURIOUS everytime I cannot express my ANGER. It’s just like my heart will burst at the time my patience exceeds to the limit or I will cry hardly not because I was hurt but because I was been hindered to HURT by SOMETHING ELSE. I blackout and say everything I want TACTLESSLY when I am angry. I don’t really mind if I will hurt someone when my fury strikes because I think, that is much better. Is it evil much?! Not really! I think that is the real attitude of someone who is very irritated and upset. I really hate people who are very DOMINANT above the rest and who make me WAIT for NOTHING because I am so IMPATIENT in comes with it. I don’t like to be under with those people who are worse than me because they don’t have any right to oversee since they are worse. Right?! If they will rule, I think that is very IRONIC. Hayyy… There is still a heavy feeling of anger left inside of me that’s why I am so paranoid at this moment. I still think the times I became so livid. I want to take revenge since I was been thwarted. Woooohhhh... what a headache! *ouch* why in the world when I became so furious, it lasts for a very long time, I almost lay the blame of my anger to other things or to other people and I can’t get over about it?? Waaahhhh… *grumble* If I can only do everything I want, may be I will be satisfied but it’s not the way it is that’s why I still can’t get over about the fury I had since I did not express it. *moan & sigh*

behind the TOUGH wall

TOUGH?? may be I am but not really...I'm trying hard to show to everyone that I can be a strong person in everytime of my life but honestly behind the TOUGH PERSONALITY of mine is a person who is very weak and is needing someone to depend on when trials strike. I always depend on myself and also to GOD every time I have problems but of course as a person, I need someone who will support and encourage me. Someone who will be there for me and will make me feel that I don't have any problem at all. I'm a type of person who doesn't like to show to other people that I was hurt because I don't want them to sympathize me. I always say that I can do something all ALONE but honestly I'm just trying to do it without knowing my capabilities in that thing. May be I am TOO EMOTIONAL and SENSITIVE to many things that's why I wanted to be INDEPENDENT. I don't like people who will leave me after they asked something from me or will just be there and approach every fun and happy moments. I HATE it badly!! rrggghh...>_< ... I want a give-and-take relationship to other people. If they will talk, then I will also talk. If they will listen, then I will also listen. I wanted FAIR! I would rather to choose to be alone in this world than to be with everybody else who will judge me without knowing my intention and my entire self.

ILL-TREATMENT

Why do I have to feel this?! Is my presence really unimportant matter?! Rrgghh… Damn it!! It hurts to know that kind of thing. I’m always been unnoticed by many. Noone likes me and so who is not?! I am the one who is trying to understand everything and everyone but can someone try to understand me even just a little bit?! I don’t know what I should do. I don’t want to be someone who others like me to be but if I won’t be, definitely they might not like me. How so ironic! *moan* I know noone is always there at my side to stay and appreciate me, even my family because in this world, everything may vanish but one thing is good to know, only God may stay at my side (I’m grateful about it ^_^). People are judging my worth and I hate it so badly. I know I can’t please everyone but who are those people I can please?! Is there anyone?! Tsk… The fact that I can’t please everyone is very, very annoying. Do I really have to please everybody just to say they like me?! That’s a dim-witted question I ever ask! Of course I have to because if won’t please them, without a doubt, I’m still nothing. (I answer my own question…hahaha) *sigh* Anyways, I know I am worthless and my presence is not valuable and just nothing for others AND I KNOW ALSO that they won’t benefit from my worth of course! Right?! But actually, everytime I feel I’m just nothing for others; my entire world destroyed in one glimpse of an eyes. It’s just like I am lost and dying without someone on my side to revive me. Waaahhh… *grumble* Those critic eyes are giving me ill-treatment and so I grudge to it. There is a sullen feeling against to it. Honestly, I rather choose to talk to myself by blogging and writing in my diary than to talk to someone because I can express myself much. Know why?! Coz if I gonna talk to others, they might have other interpretation about what I will say... GOSH! Is it a sign that I will always be independent and noone will care about me???? My goodness! >_<

I ENVY MOST

I hate the feeling of being insecure to somebody. It kills me a lot. It’s just like I was trap in the middle of nowhere and I can find my way home. I can’t resist it. I can’t get out of it. I don’t know what to do but to keep on thinking those people who I envy most. It intimidates me so much and I hate myself for that. The thing that I envy is not as simple as that. It’s about friendship which lasts. Whenever I see group of people who are so close to one another, hanging together and are always there for each other, I always think I want to have that kind of group. Although right now I have this group of mine who is fun to be with and we do those kinds of stuff, there is still a part of me which really feels insecured. *sigh* >_< … I’m so paranoid. I am always looking for something which I all ready have but actually, it is not the same thing. Yeah, there is a similarity but the entire of it is not. There is something that I’ve been looking for more than those things. May be the SATISFACTION and WELFARE which I would get from them are the things that I am looking for. Actually, I feel the care and concern from them but honestly, I’m not so satisfied about it. Rrgggh!!! What is happening to me?! Crazy, crazy, crazy!! *moan* I want to stop this kind of capricious thing!! I hate myself because I am always asking for more than of it. I don’t know what the hell I am thinking that I say I’m not satisfied about it. Am I really paranoid or just being controlled by my envious emotion?! Hayyyy…whatever! I will just pause for a while, take a deep breath and think prudently about it. Right?! Yeah, yeah right! =)
F.Y.I. Being envious of mine is not meant to hurt someone. I'm just so insecured and aimed to have something what others have.

A RESPONSIBILITY

SCARED, ANXIOUS, NERVOUS, SAD, and HAPPY...these are my feelings which I have right now. waaahhh... Responsibility/obligation/duty will give to me. Is it ironic to feel those emotions? it's just like a weird stuff to have those kinds. *sigh* I don't know what to do. I am in the state of COMMOTION again. why? tell me, oh why? (hahaha...crazy!) I'm scared, nervous, sad and anxious coz I don't if i will perform the given task to me very well. I have lots of things to do aside from that and I have a doubt to myself if I can really do my job very well. SHOCKS! so help me GOD all I want! >_< ... Moreover, I don't know if I will be followed by my members if ever I will lead all of them. Actually, I know some of them don't like me. It's fine as long as they will respect me if I will stand in front of them and lead. Honestly, it hurts to know that some people don't like me. I know I can't please everyone but all I want is to be respected and accepted even if some people don't like me. =( ... I want to be close and befriended to them because I will be the one to handle and lead them. My goodness! too many conflicts! I hate it! >_< ... Anyway, if there is a negative side, of course there is also a postive side. ^_^ ... I AM HAPPY TO HAVE IT because i know it is a BLESSING to me and not all people are given a chance to take that kind of duty. hehehehe^_^ ... Aside from that, I will grab the opportunity to be close with them since I will be the one to handle. hahaha=p (bouncing back! woinkz...>=D) I hope that they will know who i really am because I'm a type of person who gives important to friendship and closeness... =))

who will you going to choose?

Who will you gonna choose? the people whom you want or the people whom you need? Actually, it's a bit confusing to answer that kind of question. When I started to ask that to myself, I am in the state of commotion...hahaha^_^ ... I don't know what I have to choose or should I have choose between the two?? Gosh!! COMMOTION COMMOTION! waaahhh...Everyone knows that there is a BIG DIFFERENCE between need and want..right?! Need is a necessity or the one that is required while want is just one's decision or one's likeness, it is just base only to oneself. Isn't it right or left?! *lol* just kidding...Actually, I value both of them but if I will base my feelings for them, of course I choose my want rather than my need but it is wrong. Needs are very essential and must not be taken away. They must be my companions whatever happens. They must be my chosen one but it is not the scenario right now. It's a big opposite! It's just like everything that must be in my need, it is now in my want. Confusing? Yeah, right! very very confusing...*roar*...I try to reach out for my need because I think I misinterpret their doings for me but I can't see if it is really wrong or just be intentional or they don't really know that I was been left behind since they give me a less attention. *sigh* What should I do? Everything I feel is turning to worthless emotions. As of now, I love my wants but someday I'm hoping that I will love my needs more than my wants... *smile*

One year had passed

April 15, 2010, a date which I had my first ever embarrassing moment, a moment which I called a DISASTER. =) ... Every time I would remember those times I feel that I was so embarrass. I feel that heaven and earth were fallen to me that time. It's like I became naked in front of many people and everyone was laughing at me...MY GOODNESS!! Waaahhh… see?! It’s a disaster ever. Wahahaha… but somehow, I miss it so much because that's the only time I tried to have a public speaking and I had to answer a question which I really not like to answer. (what a mess!! >=D) Before, I used to sit down and listen to the people who are talking in front of me, but now, things are changed. I like to speak..speak and speak...hehehe..^_^...even though I have deficiency in speaking...Before I don't have any self confidence to speak out my ideas and thoughts but now I think have had too much all ready...toinkz^_^ ... just kidding!! ... anyways, if that thing didn't happen to me, may be until now I still don't have enough self confidence to face everyone in terms of speaking...I am so thankful about it because somehow they taught me how to do the things that I didn't usually do before... =))

a bunch of crazy people

My companions are so crazy about many things. We are so different from one another but in terms of monkey business, we are united as one, hehehe^_^. I don’t know why I am here in this group because I think I am so different from them. I can’t do what they can do in comes of some steadfast but the most I like in this group is that they show me a big bunch of belongingness which I didn’t have when I was in a group before. I enjoy their company and relate somehow to the things that are being talked about. Even if they are so crazy, stubborn and sometimes abiding some regulations, I like the way how they treat me. This group of mine has a different impact to me. I know and I’m hoping this group may last and will not change the treatment of one another until the end of our batch, (drama!! =p). Anyways, I think the reason why I became so crazy and loud is because of the influence of their attitude to me. The way how they criticize and judge other people is so funny which I suddenly adapt to them, (blame it to them!! wahahaha). Without them, may be I’m a person who is still shy to show oneself and doesn’t have any self-confidence. They are the source of my happiness when I am in the school and I’m inspired whenever they give me advices and cheer me up. I love them so much and I can't do things in school without their help and presence, (owss?! >=D).

Our favorite things to do are HANGING OUT and GOING SOMEWHERE ELSE, hahaha. We are the group of "lakwatseras," meaning we like to spend time going to mall and watch 16pesos movies or other places just to waste our time, wahahaha^_^ (love it!! whooo...). Actually, we spend lots of time in hanging out rather than studying . We are so effortless in studying our course but somehow we are still serious whenever we have school works and activities to do. I can say that our group is not so perfect enough that we still have misunderstandings. Yeah, in a friendship, there is always something like that. It only shows that we have to be strong so that we can overcome that kind of problem, (drama!! wahahaha).

season of memories

SEASON OF MEMORIES

This summer, memories are reminisced

Old times are missed

For such yearning and longing I had

I wanted to go back and do again what is on my past

I am nostalgic about this stuff of mine

My passion for it is so much fine

It’s never gone in my mind

And I always wanted to look again and find

My heart aches

For I know I can’t bring it back

When I chose this kind of track

I found myself loving this kind of art

I still remember every single detail I had before

Happenings which are so unforgettable

I don’t know if I am really paranoid

‘Coz I cry hardly when I miss it more

My memories are still fresh

It’s just like a yesterday’s events

I’m still holding on to those experiences

Because this is the only thing I can bring 'til the end

3.24.10 Wednesday

>>it's not so obvious that i miss something...isn't it? hehehe...hayy *sigh*..i hate the feeling of missing something that i used to have before...it's just like a weird feeling or should i say a PARANOID emotion?! hahaha^_^ crazy!!...may be, i wasn't meant to be there and do those things for my entire life...drama!! but when i used to be there and do those things even in a short time, i used to like...it's just like i found out what's inside of me which is the talent i have...if i could turn back the time, i'll definitely do it without hesitation but same people whom i may encounter, people who i don't know if they really like me or not...ah whatever!! all i can say is that things might change and i hope that people also change for any aspect...(huh?! what is that?! =p)

Can't let go!

For them, I'm nothing and just somebody who aspires to be one of them...Yeah, I admire them so much because of their high class and superb talents that came to the point I wanted to join with them but something changes my mind...I hate people who are not true to their neighbors...they are like a camouflages who hide their true identities and real agendas so that others won't notice their actions and can get their want without the awareness of others...They throb and never mind the hurt feeling of others just to get what their want...Sacrifices that I had done are ignored and they did not give any importance even a little…I’m so stupid for believing that I can be one of them…It hurts me so much because all my pride is wasted…I don’t want to remember it anymore but things always went coming back , I can’t help it to reminisce those stupid things…I sacrifice the most important doings in my life but there is no exchange for such actions I had done and for that I consider myself as the worst person ever...Actually, I try everything to show my best to them but still it did not work...I know I can't please everybody and I know also that I can't be the person who they wanted but I'm really trying...I've always been neglected by many but of course, I'm trying not to show that I'm affected and trying to be strong so that I won't be a loser in front of them...I want to take a revenge by having great achievements but how can I have that kind of thing if I am nothing & worthless for others, easily forgotten by many and i don't acquire any extraordinary thing?!...How foolish I am!!

Haayyyy....Thank God, He is still the source of my strength...And without Him, my family and the people who believe in me, may be I will not continue doing things to achieve my goals...Gosh! I'm so dramatic..hehehe=p...but seriously speaking, that's true! 'til here....