BIRTHDAY

Things which happened were all unexpected. My birthday became a BIG SURPRISE for me because I really don't expect it'll be a WONDERFUL, HAPPIEST and UNEXPECTED birthday I ever had. Before my birthday, I really really don't like to celebrate because I was so disappointed with many things which happened during those days but when my SPECIAL DAY is now coming to town, everything changed. I almost wanted not to pass that time because I REALLY LIKE IT or should I say I LOVE IT VERY MUCH!! (ayiiie..=p) I want to stock in the time so that I will cherish every single bit of moment that happens during that time.. woohhh.. love it! I almost cry and I shed tears, tears of overjoy..wahahah =) ... People whom I'm not always with, are the ones who gave me gifts and I was so flattered about that thing. hehehe =) I was so happy that came to the point I laugh and smile without anyone on my front.. (crazy!) I LOVE IT! I was so contented with all the GREETINGS I had, most of all having GIFTS from somebody I really don't expect would give me a gift..I WON'T

i don't LIKE it!!

Why is it I feel that I'm so unfortunate this year?! I HATE IT BADLY!! The more I experience unlucky moments, the more I lose myself and feel down. tsk... I don't know why in the world, I'm so unlucky this year?!?! hay... Because of that, I don't like to celebrate my upcoming birthday. Many people around me are always mentioning that my birthday is soon and whenever I hear it, I feel so sad and empty. I really really don't like to be happy right now or to celebrate something. What a heavy feeling! wooohh... I DON'T LIKE IT!! I'm so disappointed! Why?? .. I wish that there is no JULY 20 in this year. I hope that the time will just pass by and suspend the JULY 20. tsk... rrrggghh.. *mad.mad.mad* What's happening to me?!?! I lost myself right now and I couldn't find it. waaaahhh.. *shout.shout.shout* Whenever I see myself in the mirror, I really hate it! I'm so weak. I'm so depressed and stress with the things that are disheartened. ='( ... Many miserable things happened to me these past days and how would I celebrate my birthday if those things are keeping on interrupting my mind?!?! hay... Actually, I have so many wishes in my birthday. Before I'm always looking forward to it because I think that is my SPECIAL DAY but now, I don't think I can rejoice my birthday. It's different now. Things changed and moments that happened are breaking my heart. I want to cry but my eyes won't secrete any tears. =((( *sad.sad.sad*

so tired, so disappointed, so anxious!!

What a tiring week! so disappointed, so tiring, so anxious! In short IT'S A HELL WEEK!! >_< .. I want a relaxation and unwinding trip for now. wooohhh.. I want to stop for a while with the stuffs I'm doing so that I will have refreshments (with an "S") for myself. I really don't like what happened these past days. wooohhh...I'm so indifferent and exhausted. tsk.. If only I can change everything, I'll definitely change it so that there will be a better result. Or I'm wishing to have a better TIME MANAGEMENT for all my works in order for me to have a greater outcome. Hay.. Anyways, thank God, I finished this week with somehow, a nice ending. I BREATH OUT all ready. ahaha ^_^ HEAVY DUTY is the best and perfect adjective to describe this week. =) Actually, I've all ready experienced that kind of thing, without any rest during my HIGH SCHOOL DAYS especially when there is an examination. But, it's different all ready. Many works, much harder and more time needed to consume. rgghhh...>_< That's why my eye-bags are so noticeable. waaaahhh... *stress.stress.stress* It's very tiring but I HOPE there is a much better exchange for my sacrifices that I did.

I AM

REAL ME? ahmmm...nothing so special about me...I am a person who is tough yet inside, is very weak. I always use to hide my feelings so that others won't see the real emotions I have. Very sarcastic, isn't it?? I'm sarcastic in a way, I would not choose to let others know what I really feel inside but not in a way, I would be a backstabber to them. I can be a good companion to anyone as long as I will be accepted as my real personality is being shown. I'm the most sensitive person you've ever met but actually, it does not really show outside since I keep it inside. I always smile and laugh just like nothing really strikes me badly. I try those things just to hide my emotional condition. It really hurts when I'm wanting something yet I could not do it because something is delaying it. It's not actually a hindrance but I really have to do it because that something is very important among other things to do. I really HATE the feeling of being the LEAST among all. It's just like I was the worst and most stupid among them. I feel my heart beats fast and my whole body is being stiffed as if I was in a comatose stage. It's just like my entire world will destroy after a few seconds of my movements. Tsk...>_< Hay...I become so sad easily and it will last for many days. I don't know why but all I can say is that I really don't like to feel so sad because even my physical appearance doesn't show it, my actions speak for it. I am so pessimistic. I pull myself down and I hate myself for that. I have a connotation that once I did something, it won't succeed, even if I exert lots of effort to it. So stupid, isn't it? wheeeww...=( ... Everything I did was unappreciated. I want to gain all the things I want but it's not the way how it is. When I'm aiming for something, it is never been granted. ='( ... I'm so emotional. Sometimes, I was been carried away because of my emotional condition. I do things which I regret at the end of my anguish. Honestly, I really don't like my personality. I think, I have a disorder and I hate it so badly. I don't know how to change it but I hope it won't get worse because if that thing will happen, I rather to choose to die than be like that.

my PAST

Sad to say but that's the fact, I don't have any reason at all to return back on my past. May be because of noone or it's just nothing so special about it. Most of my pasts are moments of forgettable. I don't like what happened. Honestly, I really did not enjoy and made some fun before unlike these days. I did not have a group to call and happy moments were few. I don't know why but I am so insecure with those people who made fun time together with their friends during their HIGH SCHOOL DAYS. If I would be given a chance to return back during my high school days, I'll definitely grab it. Know why? It's because I want to gather many happy moments together with my classmates so that I will gain their attention and find a group where I belong to. Come to think of it, those times of mine are not so memorable because of my attitudes showed. Those times, I was not yet confident about myself. I was not yet loud and vocal about my feelings. I always tried to hide myself so that I won't be noticed by many. Wait, so now I realize that it was my fault by not having any special moments before...toinkz..hahahaha ^_^ ... Anyways, Is it me or just so many factors that's why I weren't able to be so happy during those times...hay! so sad and insecure...All I can say is that somehow it's good to know that I met people who became part of my past..=)