I ENVY MOST

I hate the feeling of being insecure to somebody. It kills me a lot. It’s just like I was trap in the middle of nowhere and I can find my way home. I can’t resist it. I can’t get out of it. I don’t know what to do but to keep on thinking those people who I envy most. It intimidates me so much and I hate myself for that. The thing that I envy is not as simple as that. It’s about friendship which lasts. Whenever I see group of people who are so close to one another, hanging together and are always there for each other, I always think I want to have that kind of group. Although right now I have this group of mine who is fun to be with and we do those kinds of stuff, there is still a part of me which really feels insecured. *sigh* >_< … I’m so paranoid. I am always looking for something which I all ready have but actually, it is not the same thing. Yeah, there is a similarity but the entire of it is not. There is something that I’ve been looking for more than those things. May be the SATISFACTION and WELFARE which I would get from them are the things that I am looking for. Actually, I feel the care and concern from them but honestly, I’m not so satisfied about it. Rrgggh!!! What is happening to me?! Crazy, crazy, crazy!! *moan* I want to stop this kind of capricious thing!! I hate myself because I am always asking for more than of it. I don’t know what the hell I am thinking that I say I’m not satisfied about it. Am I really paranoid or just being controlled by my envious emotion?! Hayyyy…whatever! I will just pause for a while, take a deep breath and think prudently about it. Right?! Yeah, yeah right! =)
F.Y.I. Being envious of mine is not meant to hurt someone. I'm just so insecured and aimed to have something what others have.

A RESPONSIBILITY

SCARED, ANXIOUS, NERVOUS, SAD, and HAPPY...these are my feelings which I have right now. waaahhh... Responsibility/obligation/duty will give to me. Is it ironic to feel those emotions? it's just like a weird stuff to have those kinds. *sigh* I don't know what to do. I am in the state of COMMOTION again. why? tell me, oh why? (hahaha...crazy!) I'm scared, nervous, sad and anxious coz I don't if i will perform the given task to me very well. I have lots of things to do aside from that and I have a doubt to myself if I can really do my job very well. SHOCKS! so help me GOD all I want! >_< ... Moreover, I don't know if I will be followed by my members if ever I will lead all of them. Actually, I know some of them don't like me. It's fine as long as they will respect me if I will stand in front of them and lead. Honestly, it hurts to know that some people don't like me. I know I can't please everyone but all I want is to be respected and accepted even if some people don't like me. =( ... I want to be close and befriended to them because I will be the one to handle and lead them. My goodness! too many conflicts! I hate it! >_< ... Anyway, if there is a negative side, of course there is also a postive side. ^_^ ... I AM HAPPY TO HAVE IT because i know it is a BLESSING to me and not all people are given a chance to take that kind of duty. hehehehe^_^ ... Aside from that, I will grab the opportunity to be close with them since I will be the one to handle. hahaha=p (bouncing back! woinkz...>=D) I hope that they will know who i really am because I'm a type of person who gives important to friendship and closeness... =))

who will you going to choose?

Who will you gonna choose? the people whom you want or the people whom you need? Actually, it's a bit confusing to answer that kind of question. When I started to ask that to myself, I am in the state of commotion...hahaha^_^ ... I don't know what I have to choose or should I have choose between the two?? Gosh!! COMMOTION COMMOTION! waaahhh...Everyone knows that there is a BIG DIFFERENCE between need and want..right?! Need is a necessity or the one that is required while want is just one's decision or one's likeness, it is just base only to oneself. Isn't it right or left?! *lol* just kidding...Actually, I value both of them but if I will base my feelings for them, of course I choose my want rather than my need but it is wrong. Needs are very essential and must not be taken away. They must be my companions whatever happens. They must be my chosen one but it is not the scenario right now. It's a big opposite! It's just like everything that must be in my need, it is now in my want. Confusing? Yeah, right! very very confusing...*roar*...I try to reach out for my need because I think I misinterpret their doings for me but I can't see if it is really wrong or just be intentional or they don't really know that I was been left behind since they give me a less attention. *sigh* What should I do? Everything I feel is turning to worthless emotions. As of now, I love my wants but someday I'm hoping that I will love my needs more than my wants... *smile*

One year had passed

April 15, 2010, a date which I had my first ever embarrassing moment, a moment which I called a DISASTER. =) ... Every time I would remember those times I feel that I was so embarrass. I feel that heaven and earth were fallen to me that time. It's like I became naked in front of many people and everyone was laughing at me...MY GOODNESS!! Waaahhh… see?! It’s a disaster ever. Wahahaha… but somehow, I miss it so much because that's the only time I tried to have a public speaking and I had to answer a question which I really not like to answer. (what a mess!! >=D) Before, I used to sit down and listen to the people who are talking in front of me, but now, things are changed. I like to speak..speak and speak...hehehe..^_^...even though I have deficiency in speaking...Before I don't have any self confidence to speak out my ideas and thoughts but now I think have had too much all ready...toinkz^_^ ... just kidding!! ... anyways, if that thing didn't happen to me, may be until now I still don't have enough self confidence to face everyone in terms of speaking...I am so thankful about it because somehow they taught me how to do the things that I didn't usually do before... =))