behind the TOUGH wall

TOUGH?? may be I am but not really...I'm trying hard to show to everyone that I can be a strong person in everytime of my life but honestly behind the TOUGH PERSONALITY of mine is a person who is very weak and is needing someone to depend on when trials strike. I always depend on myself and also to GOD every time I have problems but of course as a person, I need someone who will support and encourage me. Someone who will be there for me and will make me feel that I don't have any problem at all. I'm a type of person who doesn't like to show to other people that I was hurt because I don't want them to sympathize me. I always say that I can do something all ALONE but honestly I'm just trying to do it without knowing my capabilities in that thing. May be I am TOO EMOTIONAL and SENSITIVE to many things that's why I wanted to be INDEPENDENT. I don't like people who will leave me after they asked something from me or will just be there and approach every fun and happy moments. I HATE it badly!! rrggghh...>_< ... I want a give-and-take relationship to other people. If they will talk, then I will also talk. If they will listen, then I will also listen. I wanted FAIR! I would rather to choose to be alone in this world than to be with everybody else who will judge me without knowing my intention and my entire self.

ILL-TREATMENT

Why do I have to feel this?! Is my presence really unimportant matter?! Rrgghh… Damn it!! It hurts to know that kind of thing. I’m always been unnoticed by many. Noone likes me and so who is not?! I am the one who is trying to understand everything and everyone but can someone try to understand me even just a little bit?! I don’t know what I should do. I don’t want to be someone who others like me to be but if I won’t be, definitely they might not like me. How so ironic! *moan* I know noone is always there at my side to stay and appreciate me, even my family because in this world, everything may vanish but one thing is good to know, only God may stay at my side (I’m grateful about it ^_^). People are judging my worth and I hate it so badly. I know I can’t please everyone but who are those people I can please?! Is there anyone?! Tsk… The fact that I can’t please everyone is very, very annoying. Do I really have to please everybody just to say they like me?! That’s a dim-witted question I ever ask! Of course I have to because if won’t please them, without a doubt, I’m still nothing. (I answer my own question…hahaha) *sigh* Anyways, I know I am worthless and my presence is not valuable and just nothing for others AND I KNOW ALSO that they won’t benefit from my worth of course! Right?! But actually, everytime I feel I’m just nothing for others; my entire world destroyed in one glimpse of an eyes. It’s just like I am lost and dying without someone on my side to revive me. Waaahhh… *grumble* Those critic eyes are giving me ill-treatment and so I grudge to it. There is a sullen feeling against to it. Honestly, I rather choose to talk to myself by blogging and writing in my diary than to talk to someone because I can express myself much. Know why?! Coz if I gonna talk to others, they might have other interpretation about what I will say... GOSH! Is it a sign that I will always be independent and noone will care about me???? My goodness! >_<